I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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