She just used a chaser for red wine.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
