I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
