things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
