Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
