i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
