nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
