You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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