If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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