My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
40s are totally the cure
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
