Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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