oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
