Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
it's great music for shaving your balls
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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