Tell her she can't have a vagina
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
