There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
