what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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