First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
