next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
