You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
