Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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