Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
In America we eat man semen.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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