Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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