god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
