have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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