those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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