Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
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No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
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He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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