How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
