im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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