I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
