Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
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