So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
