I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
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This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
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You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize