Ambien. No doubt about it.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
