soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
