u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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