I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
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I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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