we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
