I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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