Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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