i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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