Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
