i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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