I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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