I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
