I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Dating After Heartbreak
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.