i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
