Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
