you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
