i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
