Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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