if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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