i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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