Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
