I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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