So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
