I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
